The last two weeks have been very strange. So, it's out there...I am pregnant and I am so miserable. I know this is normal goings on in early pregnancy, but this time around it has been worse...much worse. It all started the day that our company left. I am so grateful for that. It would have been terrible for them to come visit a cranky vegetable. I sit on my couch all day with a migraine that nothing I can take will make go away, and nausea that never lets up. 'Morning' sickness would be a welcome event at this point. I have done practically nothing for the past two weeks. I just can't handle it! There is so much to do and I am just so sick and lightheaded and tired all the time to do any of it. I go to bed every night thinking and praying that the next day will be better. That no matter how awful I feel I will mop the floors, play games with and read stories to the kids, make a decent meal, take the kids somewhere fun, do preschool with J, or fold the laundry that's been sitting in the living room. Then it takes all my effort to get out of bed the next morning, get A ready and to school, and maybe get lunch and dinner made for the kids. MY HOUSE IS A DISASTER and my kids have watched WAY too much TV. A even had a snow day today. John got up with all of them and I actually got to go back to sleep. Later, I managed to gather all the gear up for them to head out into the winter wonderland, got them ready and resumed my position on the couch. Then they came in begging for me to come out with them....ah man! I tried, I really tried. After, very slowly, putting on all my gear, all I could do was just stand there in the snow. They kept asking to play games or a snowball fight...nope, all I could do was stand there.
I have a really hard time having such a mess in the house and 'ignoring' the kids and not feeling up to doing anything about it. It actually makes me feel upset at myself and....guilty. Mommy DOESN'T get sick. Maybe a runny nose, a cough... you know, mild stuff....but not SICK. I am having an internal struggle with myself. "I am the Mom, I can't just lay around and be sick" and "I am not feeling well, this never happens" and "I am just preggo and this will (hopefully) only last another month" and " there is no way this family is going to make it like this for another month" or "I don't care if you don't feel well, do something with the kids, no more movies for them, you're going to damage their brains" and "oh my gosh, my head is going to explode" and "I really just wish I would throw up already, at least that would be some relief, however brief".
I am not trying to complain. In fact, I am so happy to be pregnant, I am just a little shocked that it has been the worst pregnancy so far. I know that some women have it so much worse and I know that I am blessed. Anyway, I know that it is what it is. I would really like to, on the record, apologize to my husband and children. I am sorry for the mess in the house and the obscene amounts of television. I hoping it will not produce life-long scars. I would like to thank John endlessly for making some of the meals and doing most of the dishes for the past week (The most housework he's done in the last 8 years!!) and just being patient with such an incredibly cranky and miserable wife every day. Please, try to understand I am not making your life miserable on purpose...I love you all and this is only temporary, I promise.
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